Crucible

I feel certain that I am entering a decisive time in my life. After 9 1/2 years on the job, I have a feeling like the big pay off might be right around the corner. I know that I cannot continue on as I have. I cannot have this be all that I have ever done with my life. I cannot be that much of a failure. I just can't.

Jeni says we can be together again if I leave the state. She thinks its impossible for me to be truly happy here. I think that she has a point (although, I was certainly quite happy when she was here with me). I know that I will never really be happy here. This place sucks the life out of me.

"The more I stay in here, the more I disappear" - nin "The Line Begins to Blur"

There is just no ME left. Not in the Buddhist sense either. I have no peaks or valleys here. I have no highs. No thrills. I'm just killing time and wounding eternity. I have too small an amount of either.

If I do not find the break I am looking for in the next few months, I am just going to quit and leave. I can't spend my whole damn life running hourly reports and doing QA. There has to be something better for me. Every person I know has told me more times than I can remember that I am special and talented and can do this and that and the other. I am not sure I ever really believed it. But on the other hand, should I really believe that everyone is completely wrong about me? How likely is that? Regardless, I have to try.

misunderstandings & explanations

i deleted the last two things i had posted here. the idea of a blog is that you talk about whatever you want to talk about. there is a progression of thought. a reader might then be able to follow how your thoughts develop by reading them.

problem: what happens when a LOT of people completely mistake what you have said as meaning something else? i mean, what if you were meaning to write about the Holocaust and somehow left people with the idea that you idolize Hitler? possibly an extreme or silly analogy, but my point, i think, is made; you'd have to apologize for it and you'd probably want to remove the offending passages.

so i did. and i am more sorry for any hurt that that misunderstanding caused than i can say.

explanations -

the first post in question seemed to suggest that i was pining for my ex and was miserable with my then current girlfriend. this was not the intent. i wanted to write about how frustrated i have been living a life without creativity, or purpose, apart from my job. i felt i could do better than being stuck in my job, without any chance to do something better with my life.

involved in these feelings of malaise was the albatross i bore for causing the ex the pain that i did. so severe was my regret and remorse that i felt at times as though it was sucking the joy out of my life. the guilt over the transgressions created doubt in my heart about whether or not i had what it took to be what my new love needed. an oddly self-fulfilled prophecy.

i said that i "should still be with my ex". what i meant by this was that the things that broke me and the ex up were caused by me. had i been decent to her, i'd still be with her. as luck would have it, i am not. i did not mean (nor did i even say) that i desired to be with her still.

chance subsequently led to me finding myself with someone who i felt far more compatible with than anyone else i've ever met, including the aforementioned ex. it was, nonetheless, because of my transgressions against the ex that i was in that position. how can i feel like i deserve the new and better relationship when i have it because i was an asshole to a good person? maybe this only makes sense to me. i am really fucked up.

the second post basically just contained things said out of pain from the fallout of the whole situation. given the circumstances i felt it was best to retract my statements. words said in pain are often regretted in direct proportion to the pain itself.