i deleted the last two things i had posted here. the idea of a blog is that you talk about whatever you want to talk about. there is a progression of thought. a reader might then be able to follow how your thoughts develop by reading them.
problem: what happens when a LOT of people completely mistake what you have said as meaning something else? i mean, what if you were meaning to write about the Holocaust and somehow left people with the idea that you idolize Hitler? possibly an extreme or silly analogy, but my point, i think, is made; you'd have to apologize for it and you'd probably want to remove the offending passages.
so i did. and i am more sorry for any hurt that that misunderstanding caused than i can say.
explanations -
the first post in question seemed to suggest that i was pining for my ex and was miserable with my then current girlfriend. this was not the intent. i wanted to write about how frustrated i have been living a life without creativity, or purpose, apart from my job. i felt i could do better than being stuck in my job, without any chance to do something better with my life.
involved in these feelings of malaise was the albatross i bore for causing the ex the pain that i did. so severe was my regret and remorse that i felt at times as though it was sucking the joy out of my life. the guilt over the transgressions created doubt in my heart about whether or not i had what it took to be what my new love needed. an oddly self-fulfilled prophecy.
i said that i "should still be with my ex". what i meant by this was that the things that broke me and the ex up were caused by me. had i been decent to her, i'd still be with her. as luck would have it, i am not. i did not mean (nor did i even say) that i desired to be with her still.
chance subsequently led to me finding myself with someone who i felt far more compatible with than anyone else i've ever met, including the aforementioned ex. it was, nonetheless, because of my transgressions against the ex that i was in that position. how can i feel like i deserve the new and better relationship when i have it because i was an asshole to a good person? maybe this only makes sense to me. i am really fucked up.
the second post basically just contained things said out of pain from the fallout of the whole situation. given the circumstances i felt it was best to retract my statements. words said in pain are often regretted in direct proportion to the pain itself.
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2 comments:
I understood both blog posts. All of us today are a collection of the good and the bad things we have done in the past. Most individuals are not with their first loves, and often this is the case because one of the parties transgressed against the other. That shapes who that person is, and logically speaking anything else that happens after. For example, if I got in an auto accident through my fault alone but later found myself in a another car I could logically say.. "If I had not fucked up I would be in my old car". That is not to say one doesn't like the newer car, but perhaps one feels they can not enjoy their current situation entirely because of the guilt that is in direct correlation with the deed that brought it about.
I think this way too, and perhaps it is a fucked up way to see things. Part of trying to find the logic, fairness, and balance in a situation is it ignores the fact that you are helpless to change the past.
I understand why you took the posts down. Perhaps we both think different than other people.
Thank you.
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