I feel certain that I am entering a decisive time in my life. After 9 1/2 years on the job, I have a feeling like the big pay off might be right around the corner. I know that I cannot continue on as I have. I cannot have this be all that I have ever done with my life. I cannot be that much of a failure. I just can't.
Jeni says we can be together again if I leave the state. She thinks its impossible for me to be truly happy here. I think that she has a point (although, I was certainly quite happy when she was here with me). I know that I will never really be happy here. This place sucks the life out of me.
"The more I stay in here, the more I disappear" - nin "The Line Begins to Blur"
There is just no ME left. Not in the Buddhist sense either. I have no peaks or valleys here. I have no highs. No thrills. I'm just killing time and wounding eternity. I have too small an amount of either.
Jeni says we can be together again if I leave the state. She thinks its impossible for me to be truly happy here. I think that she has a point (although, I was certainly quite happy when she was here with me). I know that I will never really be happy here. This place sucks the life out of me.
"The more I stay in here, the more I disappear" - nin "The Line Begins to Blur"
There is just no ME left. Not in the Buddhist sense either. I have no peaks or valleys here. I have no highs. No thrills. I'm just killing time and wounding eternity. I have too small an amount of either.
If I do not find the break I am looking for in the next few months, I am just going to quit and leave. I can't spend my whole damn life running hourly reports and doing QA. There has to be something better for me. Every person I know has told me more times than I can remember that I am special and talented and can do this and that and the other. I am not sure I ever really believed it. But on the other hand, should I really believe that everyone is completely wrong about me? How likely is that? Regardless, I have to try.
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