Meaning

It hasn't always been like this. Something used to matter. I'd scatter words on paper. Compare the perfect robin's egg of one day's sky with the azure of the next. Mellon Collie versus White Album. Coffee and coffee and coffee. Days indoors and nights under the moon.

Things used to matter. I'm sure they did. Something must have. How else did I survive?

Was it all god? Sorry... I mean God? Maybe just the belief that there was a larger Purpose? Some reason to endure all the pain? The truth has been exposed. There is no Purpose, no Plan, no reason for it all.

And yet the pain is ubiquitous. I guess it always was. Yes. It was. It was always there.

It won't hurt anymore when I'm gone. I won't have to worry. I won't have the stress of success or failure. I won't have anything. Just nothing. Nothing. Nothing. The closest thing to peace that I can ever hope for. That must be why people kill themselves. Just for peace. Out of options. Life is too noisy. We just want peace and quiet.

The Sweet Mystery of life has cloyed. Its just frustration compounded with frustration with no end in sight. Am I "just feeling sorry for myself"? I don't think so. I don't literally "feel sorry" about me. I'm unsatisfied with life. Its short, excruciating and consistently disappointing. And EVERYONE'S life ends in tears. No matter what you think or who you are or what you do, your story will be a tragedy. Memento Mori motherfucker.

There will come a moment in the future when a worm will eat the part of someone's brain that contained very last memory of me anywhere in the whole universe. There will have been no point to anything I have ever done. Nothing lasts. Everyone dies. Entropy always wins.

This should be the most beautiful thing any living being could know. It means that we are absolutely free to do anything at all with no fear of consequences from an Old Angry Man in the Sky. We don't need Him. I don't need Him. I don't care if He exists or not. I won't serve Him.

I don't know what I am struggling with. Search for meaning? How silly is that?