How to Keep From Killing Yourself

First of all, let me start by saying that I am not anti-suicide. There are all kinds of people out there who really should think about ending it all. You, dear reader, might be one of these people. So don't go doing anything drastic like taking the Final Exit off the table. You have the right to die, (and stop bothering the rest of us) and don't let anyone tell you otherwise.

However, you may be like me; frequently miserable and unhappy, but unwilling to die just yet. Why not end it all? Well, because there are still some things that I enjoy at least a little bit. If I was to walk down to the State Capitol, douse myself in gasoline Thích Quảng Đức style, and burn myself to death, id be dead. I'd never have Indian food again. I'd never have a decent cup of coffee again. I'd never have scotch again. I'd never have another orgasm.

In the spirit of surviving your meaningless, excruciating, mediocre life, I have compiled a list of things that may help.

•KEEP EATING

I can't remember ever hearing of someone deciding to kill themselves after a good meal. Food is probably the greatest pleasure that we have. Its easy to get, fun to use, and immensely gratifying. The good effects of food last for hours too. Sure, you might develop an eating disorder or get really fat. Compared to dying, these don't seem so bad though.


•AVOID USING YOUR OWN ACCOMPLISHMENTS TO BUOY YOU UP

You probably don't have much of consequence that you feel proud of. If you did, why would you be thinking about killing yourself to start with? Chances are pretty good that you are just going to let yourself down again. People like you really can't be counted on to deliver in the clutch.

Don't think "if I get the big job everything will turn around for me". You aren't getting that job. They don't want a mopey loser like you mucking up their business.

Don't say "if I can only get that threeway happening with my girl and another chick, imagine how great that will be". If it was going to happen my friend it would have by now. Just forget about it and watch some more porn. You can imagine that you are watching your girl get fucked by a real man for a change. (Ladies, I won't pretend to understand what is going on in your head enough to attempt a female version of this point. Sorry.)


•FIND THINGS TO LOOK FORWARD TO

There isn't a chance that I'd kill myself right now with the new Star Trek movie coming out next summer. Waiting for the new Amanda Palmer certainly kept the blade from my wrist for a few months earlier this year. Planning on seeing Amanda in Pittsburgh next month is doing wonders for me now.

A word of caution on this strategy - it can backfire in a big fucking way. There are families across the country who curse the Transformers movie every day for letting them down. Daddy isn't coming home baby, he's looking for energon in heaven with Jesus now.

Avoid counting on your friends and loved ones. If you could count on them to understand how important the plans you all made together were, then maybe you wouldn't be thinking of killing yourself.

•STAY BUSY

If you keep busy doing lots of things, you are less likely to take the time out of your day to kill yourself. Suicide is fairly time consuming and will really fuck up your plans. You just can't do things when you're dead. Plus, it makes a bunch of extra work and bother for other people.


•GET SOME PERSPECTIVE

Think about your whole stupid life. Think of every moment that has passed you by. Does it seem like a long time? I don't know about you, but mine has gone by in a flash. And so will the rest of it. Why bother killing yourself? It'll be over soon enough anyway.