I don't think this is working. I don't feel less stressed. I am highly preoccupied with work and home. I feel tense in my shoulders and I don't have anyone to work on them for me.
I've lost every last little bit of Zen that I ever had. I'm lost. I can't seem to calm down. I'm not happy.
I would expect to feel better by now. Its silly but I feel the weight of that place on my back. I feel the a anxiety of relationship issues in my heart. I know I have the power to control all this. I could quit my job and embrace failure in totality. I could end my relationship and forget about all the trials and joys that it has brought. In both cases I know that I am the source of the problems.
Plenty of people have similar jobs in similar situations. Most people do not become so personally invested in jobs where they work for other people. It's not like I'm a cop or a doctor. I think that I overvalue my job because its all I have in the way of accomplishments. In my whole life, I've never done a single thing that I am proud of. Not one. This job is it. Making money for some guy who lives in a beach house in California or something. I excel at my work so that our company might earn a few thousand more dollars or lose a few thousand less. Some dickhead shareholder gets to buy a new boat. That is all my life means.
Maybe if there was something extraordinary about me I could feel better about it. As it is, I'm bright enough to understand, without delusion, how boring I am. It sounds quite a lot like a poor pitiful me complaint, I know. That isn't what I intend. Its not how I want people to look at me, or how I want to look at myself. Its just how I feel and what I'm thinking.
I feel checkmated by life. I don't know what my move is. What now?
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