my heart rages.
quiet down you fuck,
its all fake inside anyway.

The Devil Inside

I was accused of being a tool of the Devil recently. The absurdity of it shocked me. I honestly cannot remember what it felt like to believe in the Devil. I know that I did at one time. It was very real to me. I do still remember what believing in God felt like, but not the Nemesis.

I want to understand this. I want to understand how this was ever real to me. I want to understand the faith impulse. I don't feel like I do completely. I don't quite understand how my brain was able to be warped so as to reject anything that did not agree with the faith.

writing every day has not happened. too many distractions. need to make more time for things that are important to me.

at work

i need to start writing more. maybe i can use some of this dead time at work.

cassandra says write a little everyday. i know she is right. get comfortable with expression again. find ways to say what i need to. its free anyway. kinda like jerking off.

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I spent so long holding on to you -
If I thought about it at all, I thought I was protecting you
from something

When I let go
It seemed you were swallowed up into the darkness
falling into an abyss

But we two were worlds apart
always

now we are falling alone
as always.

Crucible

I feel certain that I am entering a decisive time in my life. After 9 1/2 years on the job, I have a feeling like the big pay off might be right around the corner. I know that I cannot continue on as I have. I cannot have this be all that I have ever done with my life. I cannot be that much of a failure. I just can't.

Jeni says we can be together again if I leave the state. She thinks its impossible for me to be truly happy here. I think that she has a point (although, I was certainly quite happy when she was here with me). I know that I will never really be happy here. This place sucks the life out of me.

"The more I stay in here, the more I disappear" - nin "The Line Begins to Blur"

There is just no ME left. Not in the Buddhist sense either. I have no peaks or valleys here. I have no highs. No thrills. I'm just killing time and wounding eternity. I have too small an amount of either.

If I do not find the break I am looking for in the next few months, I am just going to quit and leave. I can't spend my whole damn life running hourly reports and doing QA. There has to be something better for me. Every person I know has told me more times than I can remember that I am special and talented and can do this and that and the other. I am not sure I ever really believed it. But on the other hand, should I really believe that everyone is completely wrong about me? How likely is that? Regardless, I have to try.

misunderstandings & explanations

i deleted the last two things i had posted here. the idea of a blog is that you talk about whatever you want to talk about. there is a progression of thought. a reader might then be able to follow how your thoughts develop by reading them.

problem: what happens when a LOT of people completely mistake what you have said as meaning something else? i mean, what if you were meaning to write about the Holocaust and somehow left people with the idea that you idolize Hitler? possibly an extreme or silly analogy, but my point, i think, is made; you'd have to apologize for it and you'd probably want to remove the offending passages.

so i did. and i am more sorry for any hurt that that misunderstanding caused than i can say.

explanations -

the first post in question seemed to suggest that i was pining for my ex and was miserable with my then current girlfriend. this was not the intent. i wanted to write about how frustrated i have been living a life without creativity, or purpose, apart from my job. i felt i could do better than being stuck in my job, without any chance to do something better with my life.

involved in these feelings of malaise was the albatross i bore for causing the ex the pain that i did. so severe was my regret and remorse that i felt at times as though it was sucking the joy out of my life. the guilt over the transgressions created doubt in my heart about whether or not i had what it took to be what my new love needed. an oddly self-fulfilled prophecy.

i said that i "should still be with my ex". what i meant by this was that the things that broke me and the ex up were caused by me. had i been decent to her, i'd still be with her. as luck would have it, i am not. i did not mean (nor did i even say) that i desired to be with her still.

chance subsequently led to me finding myself with someone who i felt far more compatible with than anyone else i've ever met, including the aforementioned ex. it was, nonetheless, because of my transgressions against the ex that i was in that position. how can i feel like i deserve the new and better relationship when i have it because i was an asshole to a good person? maybe this only makes sense to me. i am really fucked up.

the second post basically just contained things said out of pain from the fallout of the whole situation. given the circumstances i felt it was best to retract my statements. words said in pain are often regretted in direct proportion to the pain itself.